Miss. J: Love, Abuse, and the Path to Recovery
Dr. Stance sits down with the incredible Miss J in a heartfelt conversation that dives deep into the transformative journey of turning hustle into a legacy. This episode shines a light on the often-overlooked topic of domestic violence, as Miss J shares her personal experiences and insights, offering a raw and honest perspective on the complexities of leaving abusive situations. With laughter, warmth, and a sprinkle of humor, they discuss the challenges faced by those in abusive relationships, and the importance of self-love and support systems. Miss J's journey as a foster parent also highlights the resilience of youth, making this episode not just a discussion but a call to action for understanding and healing. So grab your favorite drink, get comfy, and join us as we explore the power of growth, support, and love in overcoming life's toughest battles.
Transcript
Sam, What's up?
Speaker A:What's up, y'?
Speaker B:All?
Speaker A:Thank y' all for coming back with Dr. Stanton.
Speaker A:Turning youg Hustle into a Legacy.
Speaker A:This episode is definitely different.
Speaker A:This lady, right?
Speaker A:I. I could do a whole hour on you, Ms. J.
Speaker A:Like anybody that know me, know my nonprofit, this lady right here, Mrs. Jamieci Jones, was the first lady to support me with.
Speaker A:Went without pay for a year.
Speaker A:Let's talk about that.
Speaker A:Nobody do that in the world.
Speaker A:Believed in my vision.
Speaker A:She's watched me, built the company before it even was a multimillion dollar company.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:She was there with me to pick up my first and second kid, shout out to Shawna Sana, because she was too.
Speaker A:But Ms. J was with me the entire time and just retired last year and it devastated us all.
Speaker A:But welcome, Ms. J. Hi, Ms. J.
Speaker B:Hey.
Speaker A:This is my godmom.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:I've been doing a lot of personal interviews now because I love my celebrities, but I love my personal people that's been there throughout the journey and watched me from the very beginning till now.
Speaker A:You were there.
Speaker A:I thank you.
Speaker A:I love you.
Speaker A:And I still need to come to your house and finish decorating.
Speaker A:I ain't forgot.
Speaker A:I promise, I promise, I promise.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:This lady is one of a kind.
Speaker A:You'll never find another Ms. J in the entire higher world.
Speaker A:What's up, Ms. J.
Speaker A:What's up?
Speaker A:I'm so happy to have Ms. J.
Speaker A:And let me tell you something.
Speaker A:I asked her before.
Speaker A:I said, Ms. J, can I tell people your age?
Speaker A:The woman looked my age.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:45.
Speaker A:Ms. J will be 60.
Speaker A:When?
Speaker A:April 20th.
Speaker A:Smoker's Day.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:We gonna pull it in there from Ms. J.
Speaker A:We don't even smoke, but we gonna do it from J.
Speaker A:Look, this is what we could do.
Speaker B:This what we could do.
Speaker A:We could sip it up for Ms. J.
Speaker A:She's gonna be 60 years old and look like she 40.
Speaker A:Stop playing with Ms. J.
Speaker B:What's up, Ms. J?
Speaker B:Thank you for having me.
Speaker A:Of course.
Speaker A:You know, I had to bring Ms. J on here because.
Speaker A:Ms. J, the reason I wanted you on the show is because I feel like you've worked with the youth.
Speaker A:You've seen a lot.
Speaker A:Not to mention she's a foster parent currently now for 17, 18 year olds.
Speaker A:So she.
Speaker A:We come from the same industry and we've seen it all.
Speaker B:We have.
Speaker A:We've been through a lot together.
Speaker A:Together.
Speaker A:We've seen so much stories that you can't make up.
Speaker A:And people would not believe if we told them no.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Another Reason why I thought it was a very special episode because I wanted you to talk about dv.
Speaker A:For those of them that don't know domestic violence, we see a lot of that in our program with the girl, you know, even the boys being beat on, like, or having domestic violent cases where the baby daddies are actually being physically attacked.
Speaker A:And so you have that personal experience and you've been through those, you know, circumstances with your ex husband or just a relationship that you were in.
Speaker A:So I wanted you to come on and talk about that and just kind of like educate the people.
Speaker A:Because I know that one thing I know for sure too, for certain is hard to leave.
Speaker A:How did you get out of that situation?
Speaker A:Tell the people.
Speaker A:I know it's a lot, but this is a vulnerable, safe space.
Speaker B:Yes, it's a lot.
Speaker B:So one thing you have to do is you got to make up your mind about leaving.
Speaker B:It's not something that you announce to the world.
Speaker B:You don't tell everybody.
Speaker B:You don't call everybody, I'm leaving.
Speaker B:That's the worst thing that you can actually do.
Speaker B:You have to make a safety plan for you and your children, if you have children.
Speaker B:So the first thing that you need to do, like I said, is make up your mind.
Speaker B:You make your safety plan.
Speaker B:You put everything that you need inside of a book, all of your personal papers, because remember, you're leaving, you're not coming back.
Speaker B:So you need to take all of your items with you.
Speaker B:Anything that's special.
Speaker B:I don't care if it's a tiny teddy bear that needs to be somewhere.
Speaker B:So when it's time to go, you're not looking back.
Speaker B:You walk out that door with all of your items and you go.
Speaker A:Why do you think a lot of women do stay like a lot of our kids stay?
Speaker B:Well, attachment.
Speaker B:People get attached to people.
Speaker B:If you've had anything in your life happen where you've been abandoned in your life, if there's someone that tells you that they love you, you believe it.
Speaker B:And so even if it doesn't look like love, well, still feels like.
Speaker B:Still feels like it.
Speaker B:Because we still do things that we think has to do with love.
Speaker B:We're still having sex, we're still.
Speaker B:We're still doing things.
Speaker B:So that makes us think that they actually care about us.
Speaker B:And you, you have to care and love yourself.
Speaker A:Now I'm curious because you come from a good home, Ms. J. Grandmother.
Speaker A:I was there to watch her grandmother live TILL she was 109 years years old.
Speaker A:And your mother still live, Ms. J.
Speaker A:Kicking at 60.
Speaker A:You come from a good home.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:What do you think made you stay for so long?
Speaker B:Well, for when I was married, I got married, and I'm from the old school.
Speaker B:I believe that, you know, from where I came from, you stay with your husband, you don't come home.
Speaker B:And for one, you don't tell the secret.
Speaker B:You don't tell what happens in your home.
Speaker B:You keep that to yourself.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It just seems like the young women now, they talk about a lot of things where in my generation, we didn't talk.
Speaker B:So there was nobody for me to talk to, to talk it through.
Speaker B:If, if I did see something that was inappropriate in my marriage, I would just.
Speaker B:I would take it all in and not tell anybody.
Speaker B:So I stayed because I, for one, I didn't have anyone to talk to.
Speaker B:I didn't think anybody would understand.
Speaker B:And I also was afraid.
Speaker B:I had three children.
Speaker B:I'd never been like, on my own, you know, left my mom's house, I got married.
Speaker B:So it was fear.
Speaker B:It was fear.
Speaker B:That's not the big reason I stayed.
Speaker B:And another reason is I stayed with my husband because I actually loved him.
Speaker B:I really did.
Speaker B:But he had his own set of traumas, that's all.
Speaker B:And so him and I are able to be.
Speaker B:We're able to co parent our children in a wonderful way.
Speaker B:And so now we're actually co parenting the grandchildren.
Speaker B:Yeah, that's.
Speaker A:That's actually very good.
Speaker A:Because I feel like a lot of that does not happen once abuse takes place.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:And I even learned it's not just even physical abuse.
Speaker A:There's mental, there's verbal, and there's physical.
Speaker A:And I think a lot of our youth, they deal with all three.
Speaker A:And I think even now, you know, I have some friends that deal with it, you know, verbal abuse or mental abuse.
Speaker A:And it's like, I think even being my age, you would think that we know better.
Speaker A:But I think some people would say, well, she's insecure, that's why she stays.
Speaker A:I really don't think that's not it.
Speaker A:Some women think really that a man, like, because he's insecure and like he'll maybe get jealous or overprotective or, you know, very controlling, that they think that that's love.
Speaker A:Why do think that?
Speaker A:Why do you think women confuse that with a man's insecurity?
Speaker A:Being loved?
Speaker A:No, that's a man's being insecure.
Speaker A:That's not him loving you.
Speaker A:Why do women do think that?
Speaker B:Well, they didn't start off like that.
Speaker B:See, this is the Thing is that you meet someone and there's all this romance, and you guys talk and you guys go places.
Speaker B:He's dating.
Speaker B:He's telling you, you are the most wonderful person in the world, right?
Speaker B:Then all of a sudden switches.
Speaker B:The game switches, but the game switches on you.
Speaker B:He.
Speaker B:He knows exactly what he's doing.
Speaker B:Ooh.
Speaker B:That's the part that when I sit down to talk to women that have been through what I'd been through, because we're no different.
Speaker B:None of us are different.
Speaker B:If you've been through it, there's no big or small with this domestic violence thing.
Speaker B:When I was.
Speaker B:I stayed.
Speaker B:And I'm not afraid or ashamed to tell anyone what I've been through.
Speaker B:It's just that I don't wear it as a.
Speaker B:A banner or a trophy.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:But when it's time to talk, let's really talk about it.
Speaker B:Let's be about it.
Speaker B:So when I was in this shelter, I went to Arizona, and I stayed in the shelter for about a month, and it took.
Speaker B:It took a month for me to really make up my mind about what I really wanted to do.
Speaker B:Because this was big changes.
Speaker B:Now, mind you, I work every day, right?
Speaker B:Now.
Speaker B:How do you go to work every day, right?
Speaker B:And you accept all of this stuff, right?
Speaker B:You accept all of the.
Speaker B:The talking and where you been and what do you have on.
Speaker B:But you got to remember, we didn't start there.
Speaker B:We started where I was the most wonderful person on the earth, right?
Speaker B:And then as time went on, I became the.
Speaker B:Or I became the whole.
Speaker B:There's all these names that I can name off.
Speaker B:I've been called everything, right?
Speaker B:And so your mind does not.
Speaker B:It takes you time to catch up with it because you still want to love this person that showed you love, and it's all twisted up together.
Speaker B:That's the problem, is it gets so twisted that sometimes you just can't recognize the truth.
Speaker B:And so what you do is you stay in denial.
Speaker B:Stay in a place where you're like, it's not really happening.
Speaker B:He didn't really hit me.
Speaker B:He didn't really hit my child.
Speaker B:He didn't really.
Speaker B:There's all.
Speaker B:It's just twisted up, and you.
Speaker B:You find yourself just.
Speaker B:You're bewildered.
Speaker B:And if it continues to happen, if it's.
Speaker B:If it's more than three or four times a week, your mind.
Speaker B:You can't catch up with all of it.
Speaker B:You just can't.
Speaker A:You can't.
Speaker A:Do you think that because to me, abuse is abuse.
Speaker A:Do you think one is worse than the other.
Speaker A:So we got the mental, we got the physical, we got verbal, but we also have sexual abuse.
Speaker A:And I think me seeing, you know, my mother was sexually abused, and I think honestly, she suffered with schizophrenic bipolar.
Speaker A:I think a lot of that contributed to her mental health due to the fact she was sexually abused.
Speaker A:Do you think that, you know, abuse on all those different platforms affect women differently?
Speaker B:Yes, for sure it affects you differently.
Speaker B:I know, like the mental abuse, you.
Speaker B:You can't take that away.
Speaker B:When you go to sign up for, like, say you're.
Speaker B:You're.
Speaker B:You have an interview and you're meeting with someone and you're well dressed and you're confident about what you need to do.
Speaker B:Those words that someone has said to you, they come rushing back.
Speaker B:You don't want them to, but they do.
Speaker B:So they're.
Speaker B:They're not long term.
Speaker B:They're long term if you don't get help.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:So even the sexual piece,.
Speaker A:A lot.
Speaker B:Of people say, you know, because we come from that different society, but no means no.
Speaker B:So even domestic violence that happens in a relationship, sexual abuse, people don't think so.
Speaker B:Well, that's that man's white girl.
Speaker B:You better stay out they business.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:No.
Speaker B:When she says no, she means no.
Speaker A:Married or not.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Okay, so let's.
Speaker B:I don't know, like, if this is.
Speaker A:It's appropriate.
Speaker B:It's really okay for the show.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:People need to know because I think people don't quite understand the whole sexual abuse.
Speaker B:So I'm just giving you a little example.
Speaker B:It's hard for me to say it because it's.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's just different.
Speaker B:Say you're in an intimate relationship, right?
Speaker B:Then you're in the middle of sex, a sexual act, and the person starts to say to you inappropriate things.
Speaker B:And I know every couples have their own thing that they want to talk about, right?
Speaker B:They.
Speaker B:They have their own little groove that they have.
Speaker B:Not talking about that.
Speaker B:I'm talking about someone talking directly to you.
Speaker B:They're inside your body and they say to you, I know you was with that nigga last night.
Speaker A:Night.
Speaker B:Does that sound like a good time?
Speaker B:Does that sounds like intimacy to you?
Speaker B:No, that's abuse.
Speaker B:That's abuse.
Speaker B:And a lot of people don't, I think, especially the younger generation, because they're just not familiar.
Speaker B:And I told you, it's all tied up together.
Speaker B:They don't get it.
Speaker B:They don't get it.
Speaker B:But to have someone be on top of you or you on top of them, and that it's happening.
Speaker B:It's abuse.
Speaker A:It's definitely abuse.
Speaker A:I agree.
Speaker A:I haven't personally been abused in any way.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:I probably was abused.
Speaker A:When I think about it, I'm just joking.
Speaker A:But maybe mentally a little bit, you know, possibly verbally.
Speaker A:You know, even with my husband, I might have been over aggressive sometimes, you know, abuse is abuse.
Speaker A:And I think that a lot of people need to understand that.
Speaker A:People's like intake psychologically is different.
Speaker A:Like how my mother was physically and sexually abused.
Speaker A:Like I spoke about it a lot in my book.
Speaker A:I really think that tarnished her.
Speaker A:But let's say that I may have experienced those same things.
Speaker A:It may didn't affect me that way and I was able to move forward.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:But what people don't, I think realize is once you are abused, it does create some sort of trauma.
Speaker A:Like even as a child being.
Speaker A:I was abused as a child, like whooped real bad or stuff like that.
Speaker A:I think, you know, that that caused me to have abandonment issues or some type of, you know, where I shut down and I run.
Speaker A:Like I don't do well with people yelling at me.
Speaker A:I might get sensitive or emotional.
Speaker A:Do you struggle with those same things?
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:I'm going to be honest with you.
Speaker B:I am.
Speaker B:When I.
Speaker B:And I'm gonna be honest, honestly, I'm telling you, I am the exception only because of God.
Speaker B:I mean it when I tell you I had to face some things.
Speaker B:And so I said earlier about being in the shelter, stayed in the shelter, I had a counselor and the shame that I had because what I allowed my husband to do, my ex husband, I was so shame.
Speaker B:So when I went to meet with the counselor, I would meet every single night.
Speaker B:We had a group every night.
Speaker B:I said nothing.
Speaker B:Now you see me, I talk a lot, right?
Speaker B:Yes, I said nothing.
Speaker B:I let my arms crossed just like this and looked at everybody like, I'm not saying a word.
Speaker B:I will not talk about my life with you people.
Speaker B:You see what I mean?
Speaker B:Like, how dare me say you people?
Speaker B:Because we all the same, we all in the shelter for a reason.
Speaker B:Someone has put, has violated us in some type of way.
Speaker B:Mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:So I get into counseling with her and she says, okay, so if you're not going to talk, how about if we find a blanket or we find a sweatshirt?
Speaker B:We find something that you can put over your head.
Speaker A:Oh, wow.
Speaker B:So that you don't have to see me.
Speaker B:She said, so I just want you to know what you're dealing with.
Speaker B:You're dealing with shame.
Speaker B:Let's call it like it is.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So what I had to start doing is calling stuff the way it was.
Speaker B:No more denial.
Speaker B:Straightforward.
Speaker B:This is shame.
Speaker B:So still didn't understand what that meant until I started talking about what happened, how I allowed it to happen.
Speaker B:I could.
Speaker B:I just.
Speaker B:She took me all the way back to the first day that you met him, all the way to that day, and we didn't stop till we finished.
Speaker B:So I would say maybe the last week is when I took off the sweatshirt.
Speaker B:I left it on for almost an entire month of just crying.
Speaker B:I didn't like to cry in front of people, so I just left it on.
Speaker B:It stayed on.
Speaker B:And she didn't think it was crazy.
Speaker B:She said, this is what shame will do to you.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:This is what shame will do.
Speaker B:And so then, of course, when I say being honest about stuff, I took everything, every shame, everything that was put on me, I put it, gave it to God.
Speaker B:I put that stuff on the altar.
Speaker B:I laid on the altar.
Speaker B:There were so many days I could just feel people walking by me like that girl still crying.
Speaker B:But I had to do it.
Speaker B:I had to give all of that to God.
Speaker B:That's why he died on the cross, for it.
Speaker B:This is what this is this weekend.
Speaker B:It's Easter, you know, it's resurrection.
Speaker B:Yes, it's resurrection.
Speaker B:You know, Good Friday was yesterday.
Speaker B:And so my thing is, is you got to give it to him.
Speaker B:And that's for anybody that's in domestic violence.
Speaker B:You got to give it to God.
Speaker B:Because if you don't, your mind will be, like I said, twisted up, and you'll just take it with you wherever you go.
Speaker B:All the memories, everything that happened to you, you have to give it to him.
Speaker B:You have to continue to give it to Him.
Speaker B:And then there's times where you maybe you can't give God everything, right?
Speaker B:You give him little bits and pieces, but then don't take it back.
Speaker B:Leave it on the altar.
Speaker B:Don't come and pick it back up.
Speaker B:Leave it.
Speaker B:Leave it.
Speaker B:Because that's what he died on the cross for, to bear all your sins.
Speaker B:Everything.
Speaker A:Do you think because I struggle with this sometimes even.
Speaker A:Sometimes because, you know, I'm a tough.
Speaker B:Cookie.
Speaker A:And I try to be sensitive.
Speaker A:Well, I'll be trying sometimes to, you know, to be tactful with my words.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:You know, I've had friends that dealt with it, like I said before.
Speaker A:Do you think they stay because they're insecure?
Speaker A:Like, when it comes to any type of form of abuse, do you think it's an insecurity that the woman has.
Speaker A:Because a lot of women be like, I'mma fix him.
Speaker A:I'm gonna work with him.
Speaker A:Or vice versa.
Speaker A:The man can say, I'm gonna fix her.
Speaker A:I'm gonna work, you know, work with her.
Speaker A:Why do women, you know.
Speaker A:Cause you did answer that already.
Speaker A:Why you think they stay?
Speaker A:But do you think that they're insecure?
Speaker A:As though they think in their mind maybe they can't find another partner like that, or, you know, I. I just.
Speaker A:I always ask myself, because, like I said, thank God I haven't dealt with physical abuse like that.
Speaker A:Because maybe watching my mother be abused,.
Speaker B:I was, like, shot with you.
Speaker B:I'm.
Speaker B:Yeah, I'm not taking that.
Speaker B:I just go, whoa.
Speaker A:Yeah, but, you know, in my mind.
Speaker A:And then on top of that, you know, I'm from the old school.
Speaker A:Of course, you're from the older school, right?
Speaker A:But me, the old school is the old saying.
Speaker A:They say if you act like a bee, you get treated like one.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:You know, and to a certain extent, I agree with that.
Speaker A:Because nowadays, the women are abusing men.
Speaker A:Yeah, they're abusing.
Speaker B:Very aggressive now.
Speaker A:Very aggressive.
Speaker A:And of course, it stems from us having to be men in society today, because these men are being women.
Speaker A:I feel like.
Speaker A:If you want to just be real.
Speaker A:But I feel like I always ask myself, you know, and then.
Speaker A:Then I look at the people that are quick to leave.
Speaker B:Like me.
Speaker A:I'm quick to leave.
Speaker A:As you know, I'm out.
Speaker B:Deuces, like, bye.
Speaker A:Yeah, I.
Speaker A:Listen, I didn't cancel the whole wedding.
Speaker A:30 Days prior.
Speaker A:Paid for fully 40,000.
Speaker A:Paid.
Speaker A:And then.
Speaker A:But then I think the women that stay, are they insecure with them because they feel like they can't find someone else.
Speaker A:And even men, too.
Speaker A:Because a lot of times they'll say the men stay because it's cheaper to keep her.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:So they'll stay with the abuse.
Speaker A:I'm conflicted with that.
Speaker B:I know.
Speaker B:A lot of times, just.
Speaker B:We were talking earlier, me and Percy, and we talked about being comfortable, that sometimes you get comfortable in a relationship and you don't see how you can.
Speaker B:How someone else can love you.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:But then when it comes to domestic violence, is.
Speaker B:Is tweaked a little different.
Speaker B:Because you gotta remember they're telling you, oh, girl, you'll never find nobody.
Speaker B:You'll never find anyone like me.
Speaker B:Who gonna take you with all these kids?
Speaker B:Who gonna pay for.
Speaker B:You don't even work.
Speaker B:You don't even work.
Speaker B:What do you do?
Speaker B:You stay home.
Speaker B:You see What?
Speaker B:I mean, it's called the belittling, right?
Speaker B:So you tend to be.
Speaker B:You tend to.
Speaker A:Carry that.
Speaker B:You carry it with you.
Speaker B:And it's tough.
Speaker B:And you do think sometimes, oh, who's gonna want me?
Speaker B:Only him.
Speaker B:That's a lie from the pit.
Speaker A:Do you think those women are weak?
Speaker B:They're not.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker B:They're not.
Speaker B:They're not weak.
Speaker B:Like I said, if it's going on two or three days a week, you're walking on eggshells all the time.
Speaker B:That's all you do.
Speaker B:Okay?
Speaker B:What kind of moods you gonna be in today?
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Y' all know, everybody be quiet because Daddy's.
Speaker B:Daddy's coming home.
Speaker B:And then the.
Speaker B:The difference with our different now is because.
Speaker B:No, the young girls are not marrying anymore, but they got baby.
Speaker B:They got baby daddies and other.
Speaker B:Other family members.
Speaker B:Just all this stuff mixed in.
Speaker B:And it's very difficult when you want to get up and leave.
Speaker B:They'll kill you.
Speaker B:And that's just real.
Speaker B: We dealt with that: Speaker B:A friend of mine, which was my cousin, shout out to my cousin Agnes Jones, that was her best friend, her ride or die, her friend forever.
Speaker B:That was really her boyfriend came to the house.
Speaker B:He walked in the door.
Speaker B:He asked to talk to her.
Speaker B:I poured her a drink.
Speaker B:She walked outside, and we heard shots, and he killed her.
Speaker B:So domestic violence is real.
Speaker B:And that's what I want.
Speaker B:It's just why I'm here.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because it can happen.
Speaker B:Please don't think that.
Speaker B:That people just want to stay in.
Speaker B:That.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:And it's how you leave, you know?
Speaker B:I mean, like, how do I get out of here?
Speaker B:I don't.
Speaker B:I can't tell my mom.
Speaker B:I can't tell my dad.
Speaker B:I can't tell my.
Speaker B:I can't tell anyone.
Speaker B:But there's help.
Speaker B:There's help.
Speaker B:There's all kind of.
Speaker B:You can call 211 if you don't want to call 91 1, call 21 1.
Speaker B:Try to find shelters.
Speaker A:I mean, I guess I struggle with that.
Speaker A:And then I start thinking, well, am I batshit crazy?
Speaker B:Because.
Speaker B:Listen.
Speaker A:No, I just.
Speaker A:Maybe.
Speaker A:You know what?
Speaker A:Maybe, like I said, it's my trauma.
Speaker B:From seeing it exactly.
Speaker A:That my tolerance is on.
Speaker B:So you fight.
Speaker B:You fight back.
Speaker B:You're like.
Speaker B:Before you start some stuff with me.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:But you're like this.
Speaker B:You're like this.
Speaker B:If you see anything that doesn't look right to you, then you're gone.
Speaker B:But you're.
Speaker B:But you saw that because of your mom, correct?
Speaker B:Now, maybe had you not Seen every.
Speaker B:Anything.
Speaker B:Life is just Rosie.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:You meet this wonderful guy.
Speaker B:He tells you he loves you and he got your back.
Speaker B:And we can.
Speaker B:We're going to get married and we have children together.
Speaker B:You have your own home, decorate and do whatever you want.
Speaker B:You know what I mean?
Speaker B:You just be you.
Speaker B:I just need you to be you.
Speaker B:And then all of a sudden, the change comes.
Speaker A:I wonder, you know what I think about sometimes.
Speaker A:Because even with the dating world, I feel like sometimes men are smarter than what we think.
Speaker A:Because I feel like they know how to pick out.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:They're vulnerable women and they know who they can do that to.
Speaker A:And I think that.
Speaker B:Oh, wait, J.
Speaker A:Well, I'm finna holla.
Speaker A:I think if you.
Speaker A:If you.
Speaker A:I'm laughing.
Speaker A:Cause you might know what I'm finna mention.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:You know what?
Speaker B:I'm finna talking.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker A:In Stockton.
Speaker B:Would you.
Speaker B:Y' all just see her face.
Speaker A:Wait.
Speaker B:Okay, wait.
Speaker B:We got so many stories.
Speaker B:Wait.
Speaker B:Come on, girl.
Speaker A:This on a funny note.
Speaker A:And this on a funny note.
Speaker A:I'mma tie it all in together on what I'm saying.
Speaker A:Men know how to pick the vulnerable women who they can do that to.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:The way that you present yourself.
Speaker A:I've always told you the most classiest, delicate, sweetest woman.
Speaker A:You have the most precious voice.
Speaker A:You talk so soft.
Speaker A:This is why God.
Speaker A:I think I know God sent you to help me deal with these tough kids.
Speaker A:Because when I get all.
Speaker A:Like Ms. J had come and just like, she's the.
Speaker A:You're the calm to the storm.
Speaker A:But one day, you was the storm.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:And I was the calm.
Speaker A:And I've never.
Speaker A:It's literally only seen Ms. J. I've been knowing Ms. J for years.
Speaker A:Only seen her blow one time when I told.
Speaker A:Tell you the whole environment, we was petrified.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:And I say this to tie this in when I say men know the vulnerable women.
Speaker A:But see, this where men got it twisted.
Speaker B:That's right.
Speaker A:Cause see, you can come and think this woman is vulnerable.
Speaker A:And you turn around, you got some hot oatmeal on your balls.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Because that one day was J.
Speaker A:We actually got dinged for this.
Speaker A:And this was just keeping it real show.
Speaker B:But what we have to.
Speaker B:We did.
Speaker A:We had one in particular kid beyond disrespectful.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:I mean, we went.
Speaker A:We fought for this kid to get in the program.
Speaker A:We helped her on.
Speaker A:I mean, we went outside of the scope to help this young lady.
Speaker A:And she disrespected Ms. J one time.
Speaker A:I'm on the phone, okay.
Speaker A:And all I hear is, I've never.
Speaker B:And I don't even cuss or nothing.
Speaker B:I don't do it.
Speaker B:I was like.
Speaker A:She said, sit your m. Self down right now.
Speaker A:And when I say my body shrunk because I was like, oh, Lord.
Speaker B:Mind you, we're training.
Speaker A:We're training.
Speaker B:I was training.
Speaker A:We in the middle of training, she's training the staff on how to deal with a youth like this.
Speaker B:They all just.
Speaker B:Everybody moved back.
Speaker B:All the clients, everybody.
Speaker B:They were like, oh, and the little girl.
Speaker A:We got in trouble for that.
Speaker A:But we.
Speaker A:We and I.
Speaker A:And listen, I've had my moments too.
Speaker A:When we.
Speaker A:This was.
Speaker A:Mind you, this is five years ago.
Speaker B:When we first started.
Speaker A:We first started when we was new.
Speaker A:We didn't know what kind of kids, what to expect.
Speaker A:I didn't have my moments where they called me.
Speaker A:Just I pull up at 2 in the morning, Ms. Jay, I'm on my way.
Speaker A:They got me twisted.
Speaker A:I'm gonna act a fool.
Speaker A:And I get in trouble.
Speaker B:Like now stance.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I'm like, nah, I wanna hear Ms. J.
Speaker A:But I tie all this in to say that the way that you present yourself is the woman that I inspire to be.
Speaker A:I was just having this conversation, shout out to lollipop, where we were saying, I'm outspoken, I'm loud, I'm fun, I'm bubbly.
Speaker A:You know, I'm open book, as we can see from ho to CEO, you know, I have no secrets.
Speaker A:I'm not really private.
Speaker A:You know, I'm an open book.
Speaker A:And you're opposite.
Speaker A:Like, you're very ladylike, very classy.
Speaker A:Speak well.
Speaker A:You don't curse unless you mad, but you don't cur.
Speaker A:And, you know, you're very ladylike and dainty.
Speaker A:I think men notice that.
Speaker A:And the crazy part is I say this to my friend, shout out to Tay.
Speaker A:Cause she.
Speaker B:She.
Speaker A:Shout out to her.
Speaker A:I'm just gonna say that men are intimidated of me because I think with my personality being like, hey, da, da da da.
Speaker A:They think that one.
Speaker A:They can't fool me.
Speaker A:Or like, they can't catch me in a vulnerable moment, right?
Speaker A:But, like, I'm gonna probably beat em up or act crazy.
Speaker A:But in real life, I always say this.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:It be the little quiet ones that be the firecrackers and that have this other side to them behind the closed doors, you know?
Speaker A:And so I guess I also just tie it all in together to be like, why do you think men choose vulnerable women?
Speaker A:Because I struggled when I was single with dating because I felt like they were intimid about me, intimidated about me because of my personality.
Speaker A:But.
Speaker A:But they will go for the women like that are more reserved and thin.
Speaker A:Thin thing.
Speaker A:But y' all more crazy because y' all to me got a whole nother side that you hide to reel the man in.
Speaker A:Supposed to me, this is what you see is what you get.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:What y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:It's not what you get.
Speaker A:Cause behind the closed door.
Speaker A:Get a little hand or something.
Speaker A:You act a damn fool.
Speaker A:So why do you.
Speaker B:But I'm not different.
Speaker B:Like, I'm like, what you see is what you get.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker B:Like, I don't come.
Speaker A:And you're older, you're wiser.
Speaker B:True.
Speaker A:You're older.
Speaker B:That's true.
Speaker B:And then you're young.
Speaker A:And then I know you acted a fool.
Speaker A:Ms. J.
Speaker B:Not really.
Speaker A:No.
Speaker B:Not really.
Speaker B:There.
Speaker B:There's times that I really wanted to act up really bad, but I didn't.
Speaker A:You did not.
Speaker B:You see, I mean, like, I.
Speaker B:Like now I could act up, but I'm not.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:You're a very good girl.
Speaker A:You're good.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:But.
Speaker B:And I think every human being can.
Speaker B:Can really act.
Speaker B:Act a fool.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:But I just.
Speaker B:I can't do that anymore.
Speaker B:Like, for me, it's too much energy.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Oh, the energy that it takes.
Speaker A:Correct.
Speaker A:A lot.
Speaker B:It's the energy it takes to even argue with someone.
Speaker A:Correct.
Speaker B:In my life, I have to have peace.
Speaker B:If you're not bringing peace, then we can't even have a relationship at all.
Speaker B:I don't even want to even have even female friends around me.
Speaker B:That it's just drama all the time.
Speaker B:There's no peace nowhere.
Speaker B:I can't do it.
Speaker B:And family members.
Speaker B:I don't want to do it.
Speaker A:Anybody.
Speaker B:Anybody that's not bringing peace, I can't do it.
Speaker A:Do you think that women, or even yourself you can speak for that's been through trauma, been through abuse, and they get into a new relationship, that they bring that into the new relationship.
Speaker A:Like, the trauma.
Speaker B:They will bring it.
Speaker A:How do you not do that?
Speaker B:Okay, Our job, people that have been through domestic violence.
Speaker B:Your job is to get counseling.
Speaker B:And you don't come out of it correct until you healed.
Speaker B:You healed, period.
Speaker B:I don't care if you're in a relationship and you leave that relationship and this person seems so.
Speaker B:So wonderful.
Speaker B:He can turn around and be an abuser, and you wouldn't even see it because you think, oh, I'm better now.
Speaker B:You know, I'm better now.
Speaker B:I'm away from him?
Speaker B:No, you got to get some help and you got to.
Speaker B:And that's what I meant by going to counseling.
Speaker B:You think that was easy for me to sit in front of someone and tell them the things that have happened to me?
Speaker B:No, it was not easy to do, but I had to do the work.
Speaker B:If you want to be better, you got to do the work.
Speaker A:I like that.
Speaker A:So what would you tell our foster youth?
Speaker A:Because you've seen it.
Speaker A:We've seen a door.
Speaker A:We got.
Speaker A:We do it much better, by the way.
Speaker A:Like, as far as the youth that we're trying to work with, as far as doors, we got doors being kicked down.
Speaker A:You know the deal.
Speaker A:M. Doors being kicked down.
Speaker A:We got black eyes, we got hospital videos.
Speaker A:We got guns being pulled out.
Speaker B:Pistol, whips, guns.
Speaker A:I mean, like, in real life, it's a lot of things that happen.
Speaker A:What is something that you would tell our youth to move on or to get out of that situation?
Speaker A:Pray for me.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Watching them go through it.
Speaker B:When we met all together, we were having our mentor meetings.
Speaker B:I remember the staff, when we went to talk to just ask some questions.
Speaker B:I remember one of the girls saying, she said, like, well, I don't.
Speaker B:I can't live without him.
Speaker B:She said stuff.
Speaker B:Things like that were very shocking to us because all they were receiving was the blues.
Speaker B:There was no happiness.
Speaker B:So we're like, why are you staying with him?
Speaker B:Why not?
Speaker B:He's all I got.
Speaker B:But that's not all that you have.
Speaker B:You have you.
Speaker B:You have you.
Speaker B:And I know foster kids be saying, oh, I don't want to go to counseling.
Speaker B:I'm.
Speaker B:I'm tired of counseling.
Speaker B:I've been doing counseling my whole life.
Speaker B:But domestic violence counseling tweaked a little different.
Speaker B:Deal with yourself.
Speaker B:Those counselors, they're trained.
Speaker B:They're trained to talk to you about what your real issues are.
Speaker B:Not all that, you know, make believe stuff.
Speaker B:We.
Speaker B:Look, don't even come in here to talk if you're not ready, because you got to be.
Speaker B:You got to get ready to talk about your real stuff.
Speaker B:So, okay, I wasn't ready to talk about it, but guess what I did.
Speaker B:I put something over my head so I could talk about it.
Speaker A:That's genius, actually.
Speaker A:I like that.
Speaker B:Had to do it.
Speaker A:I like.
Speaker B:So where would I be at had I not done the work?
Speaker B:Had I not done the work, where would I be at?
Speaker A:You still think you'll be in a relationship?
Speaker B:No, the relationship was over.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:But the healing stuff, just because me and him, just because I left My house.
Speaker B:That didn't mean anything.
Speaker B:He was still right here.
Speaker B:I was married, what, 17, 18 years, my whole life.
Speaker B:I wasn't.
Speaker B:I wasn't no, you know, person that ran around a lot.
Speaker B:And, you know, he was pretty much all I knew.
Speaker B:So then that's another thing the foster girls were saying.
Speaker B:Well, you know, I've been with him a long time.
Speaker A:Okay, at 18, been with him a long time.
Speaker B:But it's who you allow into your heart, into your space.
Speaker B:You've allowed a person into your space, and sometime it's hard to leave that person because they're in a place where no one else is.
Speaker B:Your mother's not here.
Speaker B:Your father's not here.
Speaker B:You don't have sisters and brother.
Speaker B:You don't have grandparents.
Speaker B:So here's this wonderful person that walks up and acts like he is your knight in shining armor, when in actuality, he's just pulling from you.
Speaker B:He's mimicking, actually.
Speaker B:He'll meet you and study you and then mimic you because they know that.
Speaker A:They have not to cut you off.
Speaker A:My bad.
Speaker A:Mr. J.
Speaker A:Do you think that the abusers, they still walk in their trauma?
Speaker A:Because a lot of them are in denial.
Speaker B:They're in denial that they even do that.
Speaker B:They'll say, I didn't slap you.
Speaker B:You be like, what?
Speaker B:You did.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:What do you mean?
Speaker B:Look at my face.
Speaker B:Look at my eye.
Speaker B:You did do that.
Speaker B:And they're like, mm.
Speaker B:Well, that's called denial completely.
Speaker B:They're in complete denial.
Speaker A:You went through that with husband, too?
Speaker A:No, no, no.
Speaker A:He knew what he was doing.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:A lot of girls, I think.
Speaker B:But there was a lot of trauma, as I found out later, later in the marriage, that he had.
Speaker B:That he had.
Speaker B:That he carried a great weight, that I had a little idea of it, but then I was like, well, that's something that somebody needs to bring to me.
Speaker B:You can't just bring that type of trauma to someone.
Speaker B:They've got to come and talk to you about it.
Speaker B:So that's where I stayed at.
Speaker B:I kept that position where maybe I shouldn't have.
Speaker B:Maybe I should have confronted what was staring at me in my face.
Speaker B:So if I can tell the young people, when you see something, believe it.
Speaker B:Trust what you're looking at.
Speaker B:Not all these feelings, not how he make your body tingle, none of that face, who you really talking to.
Speaker B:The minute he gets out of line, he gonna keep getting out of line because you didn't check him, didn't say nothing.
Speaker B:And even.
Speaker B:Even as far as females and even.
Speaker B:Even the females beating up on the men.
Speaker B:Men are abused also.
Speaker A:They are.
Speaker B:And I mean in a tremendous way.
Speaker A:They are.
Speaker B:In a tremendous way.
Speaker B:Go to work every day, take care of you, and make sure your children are fine.
Speaker B:You got your own car.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker B:And you talk so bad to a man.
Speaker B:Emotional, mental abuse.
Speaker B:And then physical too.
Speaker B:In physical.
Speaker B:And if he gets.
Speaker B:If, if he, if he tries to get loud, then that's you even getting.
Speaker B:You.
Speaker B:You even get more aggressive and then you may slap him, then what happens?
Speaker A:Do you think he wrong if he, like, hit her back?
Speaker A:Because, you know, a lot of people would say a man should never hit a woman, right?
Speaker A:I agree with that.
Speaker A:But I know this may sound a little ignorant, but to a certain extent,.
Speaker B:But I feel what you're saying.
Speaker B:No, I do.
Speaker B:I do.
Speaker A:He has to protect his self too.
Speaker A:And if you act like a bee, you definitely get treated like one.
Speaker A:I believe in that.
Speaker A:You cannot.
Speaker A:You 1.
Speaker A:You cannot whoop a man.
Speaker A:And you are not.
Speaker A:It's not okay to put your hands on a man.
Speaker B:It's just not okay.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, they're still human too.
Speaker A:Now, I'm not saying go whoop her and beat her up, but if he has to restrain himself and maybe smack your ass to get it right because you're beating the crap out of him, I don't feel like he's wrong for that.
Speaker A:I mean, that's just my opinion.
Speaker A:But others may think I'm bad for saying that.
Speaker A:But no, if you act like a B, you will get treated like one.
Speaker A:Whether that's emotional, mental, I'm a strong believer in that.
Speaker A:Because I've one thing about me, I've never put my hands on a man.
Speaker A:I do not abuse men.
Speaker A:I know I might talk mess, but as far as physical, I will never fight a man like that.
Speaker A:And you know, I understand women have done it.
Speaker A:I know women that have beat up me and they bite them and bite them and punch them in the face.
Speaker A:And they do that to the vulnerable men that may.
Speaker A:They know they can do it too.
Speaker A:That ain't gonna hit them back.
Speaker A:And those men walk around with.
Speaker A:I call them recycled.
Speaker A:Because not only is the mother, their mother was the first one to break their heart, but that's what makes them deal with abusive women.
Speaker A:And I think it's so sad.
Speaker B:It is.
Speaker B:You know, but I just like, I would say to anyone, if you're being abused, you gotta walk away.
Speaker B:So even when you're in the middle with someone and they argue and fighting with you, that's when you have to say to yourself, that's it.
Speaker B:You gotta go like, a man shouldn't hit a woman.
Speaker B:Go ahead and walk away.
Speaker B:You got to go.
Speaker B:There's no.
Speaker B:We're not tolerating any of that.
Speaker B:I'm not fighting you.
Speaker B:You're not fighting me, period.
Speaker A:Period.
Speaker B:That's it.
Speaker A:That's it.
Speaker B:So once.
Speaker B:Once a woman lets you know she can.
Speaker B:You know that she's going to slap you or whatever, you got to walk away.
Speaker A:You have to.
Speaker B:You got to walk away.
Speaker B:And that's.
Speaker B:That's for a woman or a man.
Speaker A:I agree.
Speaker B:Anyone?
Speaker A:I agree.
Speaker A:Well, Ms. J, you know I love you.
Speaker A:You're my God mama forever.
Speaker A:And I will be over to decorate that house.
Speaker B:Thank you.
Speaker A:That's promise, because I owe you.
Speaker A:I appreciate you coming to tell your story.
Speaker A:It just shares a lot about your character.
Speaker A:You know, a lot of people don't talk openly about being abused or even being an abuser.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:So I really appreciate you for coming.
Speaker A:I think you're the most beautiful mother that ever existed.
Speaker A:You know, your kids are extreme.
Speaker A:Emmy are extremely lucky to have you.
Speaker A:Wesley and my sisters and brothers, shout.
Speaker B:Out to Wesley Lewis and Wesley Lewis and Destiny.
Speaker A:Yes, yes.
Speaker A:My babies right there.
Speaker A:I love in India.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:Well, we thank you, Ms. J.
Speaker A:You did.
Speaker A:Oh, beautiful job.
Speaker A:You look.
Speaker B:Thank you, Gore.
Speaker A:Just absolutely stunning.
Speaker A:And you're just looking good enough.
Speaker B:Thank you.
Speaker A:I love you.
Speaker B:Love you back.
Speaker B:Love you more.
Speaker A:I love you.
Speaker A:All right, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker B:Thank you for having me.
Speaker A:Of course.
Speaker A:She'll be back, so get ready for.
Speaker B:Me and miss J. Shout out to my DV girls.
Speaker B:Let's go.
Speaker A:Period.
Speaker A:Thank y' all for tapping in.
Speaker A:We're turning your hustle into a legacy.
Speaker A:We out.
Speaker B:We out.
